well i dont even know where to start to be quiet honest... well here goes i have recently split up with my husband of 18yrs only to realise that i cant put nothing more in my minds chest and everything from childhood to present day came flooding out...
i come from a not so functional family of 8 i never thought why didnt my sister and brothers live with us....they were all in childrens homes but they were to a different dad to me as well..... my father was always in prison and when he wasnt he was in his bed with mum running round keeping me quiet and doing what ever he demanded of her..
when i had just started school at about 5 my grandad (dads dad ) used to pick me up from school and take me to the park but i was never aloud out of the car to play and the car was always parked somewhere there wasnt any other children to play with any way he used to touch me i didnt like it i didnt like the way he smelt he used to take his privet bits out and tell me to touch and taste said it was a magic lollipop... after a time i was in the bath and i told my mum about it she told me not to be silly and not to tell no one it was our secret but i told my older sister who began shouting at my mum and told her if she didnt take me to the police then she would so thats what happened and grandad was prosicuted i think...... but dad was mad at mum for taking me and she used to shout at me..... we moved from our house and mum took me to london and left me with her mum and her step brother and she went away i was there for a long time where her brother started to do the samethings to me as my grandad had only he actually raped me penatration i remember hiding under the bed and him finding me i told him i was going to tell nan when i came down the stairs he poured a pan of boiling water over my arm so i forgot what i was going to tell her and ended up at the hospital then his touching me continued because he said he would do it again i became quiet unruley by all account and was sent to live with another one of my uncles he was lovely he read me stories cuddled me but in a nice way and things were good then one day mum came to get me and we returned to birkenhead only we didnt have any were to live and stayed with a man friend of mums she was drunk they argued and he put us out the house very late i then went to stay with one of my older brothers and his wife it was horrible again i was in a horrible place cold and lonely when ever they had there dinner i was made to sit on the cold floor or a small toilet in just a vest and knicks with the nappy bucked not allowed to sit on the seat just the floor then when they had finished eating i was aloud what was left and then do the dishes and go to bed that is just some of what i have been through and im having problems putting it bk in my minds chest i feel worthless i go to bed at night and pray i dont wake in the morning but then i cant sleep because i think what if i really dont wake in the morning and one of my babies find me im must so confussed mixed up and feel like i must have been a really horrible person other wise why would people just keep hurting me and why do i keep letting it happen sorry for rammbleing on
