I was aware that I was abused when I was a child, up until recently... I'm 21 years old and currently live with my boyfriend and his family. They're pretty much all that I have, due to the fact either my family drifted from me or I distanced myself from them. I have trouble expressing how I feel about my past, I can openly say yeah something terrible did happen but I can never openly talk about it with anyone, not even my boyfriend who is my best friend. It's alot easier to type it then actually voice it.

I've been living in denial, I don't see what happened as something bad per say, such as if it happened to my younger sister or anyone else, yeah I'd be upset and ready to hurt someone. However, after growing up and having that constantly happen to me, I've accepted it as normal. I'm the one people use. From family to "friends". My boyfriend is my only support as of right now, mainly because the people I referred to as friends are the people who hurt me the most.

I remember a few different events that have affected me. When I was younger, not sure what age but under 9, I remember visiting my cousin daily... It's something I forced out of my head for years, I forgot about it completely up until 2007 while I was a senior in high school and writing a final paper for creative writing... for some reason it just fled out of my mind and onto the paper. Every day that I visited my cousin Ed, I remember him taking me to his bedroom, and the one time in particular that I do remember is the day my Mom walked in to find that he had me on his lap and had his area exposed... he was moving me around in circles... I remember my mom making me leave his house and I wasn't allowed to go back to his house, but my mom also told me to just forget about it... and for the most part I did. I know it happened more than that one time but thats the only one that I can remember somewhat clearly.

Another time, I remember my cousin Andy having me against the pool wall and grinding on me and touching me... my cousins had told me that if I told it'd ruin our family and that nobody could ever find out. I also remember when I was about 12 another cousin named Merle... this is a hard one for me... even just typing it. I was already used to having cousins "play" I just accepted it as that's what was supposed to happen, that's how I was taught to play. I can feel the tears welling up right now. I've blocked out memories and never really shared them.  I was spending the night with my aunt and uncle and my little cousins. I was sleeping in teh bed with my little cousin when my older cousin who had also decided to stay there that night came in the room and began to kiss me and touch me. I froze up. I didn't know what to do. My little cousin was beside me and I didn't want him to wake up to see what was happening. I remember my aunt coming into the room because she heard a noise or something and when she asked what was going on my cousin Merle said he was just looking for the remote. After being told that if I did tell anyone my family would fall apart, I remember looking at my aunt and nodding to let her know it was ok... even when it wasn't. I feel like maybe if I would have said yes there is something going on please help... maybe I wouldn't ne here. I'm not sure what happened that night, other than what I just said... after my aunt left my cousin continued to touch on me and kiss on me. I remember nights in the car, it'd be him, me and 2 people up front, I don't remember who they were but I think it was my aunt and my little cousin who was in the bed that night. I remember Merle rubbing my leg and touching me places, it was dark and nobody noticed. It was like every time he had the ****ing chance he did this to me. I wonder what i did to make my cousins to that, I looked up to them all, I trusted them. Maybe I didn't tell anyone because of my mom telling me to forget what Ed had done. But when news of what Merle did had surfaced my mom did believe me because his dad(her brother) did the same things to her when she was little. My mom still doesn't know about all the times ( how much) this happened or about most of these deep dark secrets that are currently killing me inside. In fact I think this is the most I've come to opening up and I'm in tears.

I had an older boyfriend who had joined the navy... I was 14 at the time. He knew about what Merle had done and I remember him looking at me and promising he'd never hurt me that way. He told me to trust him, and I did. Not long after his promise, I was babysitting a few of my younger cousins and Jason was there. The kids were playing in an old school bus and Jason said he needed to talk to me in private. We went inside an older trailer that was behind my house at the time it was pretty much a clubhouse for us kids. I remember the kids wanting to play school and I was supposed to be the teacher and during our private talk they kept coming in and trying to get me to come play with them... I remember Jason getting mad and yelling and locking the doors on the trailer... the next thing I remember is being pushed up against the wall and him forcing me to touch him as well as him putting his hands in my pants... I couldn't find my voice to scream for help and my body pretty much froze...that's all I remember.... I told my Mom about this and she told me I was stupid and a liar because Jason was in the navy and he would never hurt anyone... bull****.

I dated a guy for 2 years, he hit me alot, as well as forced me to have sex with him alot... I thought since we were dating it wasn't considered bad at all. I remember the one night that haunts me in particular... it was a new years eve party and I was 16... it was at my family's house and so many people were there that My boyfriend at the time and I shared our room with my niece who was only 8 (we were adopting her but not much longer after this incident my family gave her back to the state) My niece was on the top bunk, I remember him coming in the room claiming to be possessed with demons... this was and still is his excuse for the events that night. My neice still on the top bunk and awake... him in front of the bed wearing a white shirt... he ripped it off right down the middle, threw me down on the bed and choked me to the point I was blue and I couldn't breathe at all... he finally let up and the entire time I remember calming my niece down telling her he was just playing around and he wasn't hurting me. I remember being forced physically to have sex with him in front of her... she tried to tell but nobody believed her, and I denied it, I was terrified of him. I knew that if I did tell, that he could kill me easily. what hurts the most about him, is the fact my mom claims him as a son to this day. Recently, back in Feb-March time frame... My mom came to visit me, got ahold of him and invited him to my apt... he had the nerve to tell everyone in that place that I abused him and then he laughed and looked at me... I ended up running out. My mom knew that he physically abused me, and she still claims him and still wants him to come around...

There's still so much more... I'm beginning to get angry and sad all together right now... I'm hating my mom at this second for not protecting me, for not listening, for not believing me when I did tell her something happened. She has brought guys into my life who has hurt me and touched me.  Her boyfriend for the past 4 years... I remember one night they bought me a bottle of vodka... I remember waking up that night to find her boyfriend on top of me and as soon as i opened my eyes and saw him he asked if i had seen my mom.... she was on the front porch so when he came in that house he saw her... when I told my mom about this... she asked him, of course he denied it, no guy is going to openly admit yeah I was on top of her...he opened my door, came in, got over top of me and claimed that he was just looking for my mother??? I'll never know what happened that night, and even if i did my mom would chose him over me in a heartbeat. They broke up recently for about a month, she started seeing another man and I've experienced more with him. They've broken up and she's now back to the other loser but the other guy is still around. He claims to see me as his daughter but when he was staying at my apt with me and my roommate at the time, he never really treated me like one of his kids. I'd walk out of the bathroom in my towel to head to my room to get dressed, the bathroom was right next to my room so it only consisted of me walking out the bathroom and into my room... he'd come in my room and i'd still be in my towel because i wouldnt get dressed with him watching... the reason I live with my boyfriend is because of this guy... he'd pull me on his lap and rub on my legs and he had touched me... it may have been an accident or maybe I'm just living in constant denial... I always freeze up when stuff like this happens, it's always hard to find my voice and I'm not sure why, maybe it's because of the past and being told repeatedly to just let it go or not to tell anyone because it'd ruin everything... I'm just now starting to find my voice but still not good enough. usually i get all quiet and kinda zone myself out just to escape whats happening... I'm coming to terms that this guy has hurt me, with the help of my own boyfriend pointing it out to me... in order to make me realize this is bad my boyfriend basically tells me everything thats happened but instead of my name he uses my younger sister... and when he does that i can see exactly how its bad but if my name is back i dont really see it being unacceptable becasue my entire life I've just learned to accept that this is how people show me love.

I'm 21, I lost my virginity when I was 15... in the past 6 years I've slept with over 25 guys.... to me it was just sex, but also a way to feel like someone cared even if it was for just a short period... I've only recenlty made changes to that part of my life... I know I can't go back and undo this stuff and it makes me feel ashamed and dirty for having been with so many people. I honestly couldn't even list all the guys' names.... in 2009 I had a short period of where I was using cocaine, narcotics... whatever I could get... my sister was a drug addict as well and she knew I was going through a rough time... and used me. I became the girl she pimped out to get the drugs, I remember she'd send me in with her dealer/friend and a few minutes later I'd return with cocaine or money.... I remember one time she pimped me out to some stranger... she had him pick us both up, and we all went to the park about a mile from our house, it was a secluded park with a huge wooded area behind it... what was supposed to happen was me and him going into the woods, me getting her money and him taking us home... what happened that day was I wen into the woods with him, did my thing, and returned to find out my sister had abandoned me there with this stranger... I felt dirty then and to this day this part of my past makes me feel disgusting. I remember getting in the car and him driving me home and we saw her right before we got to my house, I jumped out of the car yelled at her and forgot to get her money... she tortured me from there on out... she turned my family against me...it was her idea, yet I was the one who got punished for it. She was thought of as an angel who was sobering up... I was the "whore"... I'm off the cocaine and pills now, she's still not. I'm upset with my family for kicking me out and treating me badly when I really needed them to help me.

My boyfriend now is the only person who has even tried to help me get better and because of my past, we have a rocky relationship. I pick fights with him to push him away... we've been dating for nearly a year now and honeslty I'm just waiting and expecting him to hurt me... It's hard to explain... I do trust him but at the same time after everything I've experienced... I expect everyone in my life to hurt me... it hurts to say that but it's true. He's never done anything to hurt me or put me in danger, he's been the only source of protection I've ever really known... and I'm not sure how to handle a relationship where I'm not abused in any way, or a relationship where I actually have someone I can turn to for support and someone who shows me love every day and not just through sex. For the first time in my life sex isn't just sex anymore... I don't feel as if I need to have sex with my boyfriend to earn his affection and I'm not sure how to handle that or get used to that just yet either, I can finally connect sex with feelings of actual love, I don't feel like I have to have sex with him in order to keep him around, or in order to pay him back for anything he's done for me. I finally found someone who if I say no... it actually means no... sometimes I don't even need to say no, he pretty much knows when I just need him to hold me.


I'm not sure why it's taken so long to attempt to face my problems, but I'm pretty sure I owe thanks to my boyfriend, he doesn't judge me for my past, he doesn't put me down about it... it's hard to accept that someone is actually willing to stand by me and accept me no matter how messed up I am...


I've distanced myself away from everyone in my life... from my mom to my friends... the only friend I do have is my boyfriend... My old "friends" were the ones who would get me so drunk to the point where I passed out and then they'd do their thing... around the time my boyfriend and I got together I went to what I thought was a great friend's house... I remember as soon as I got in the car they were giving me drinks.... I had just miscarried my son and was using substances to escape my feelings... by the time I got to my friend's house I was barely able to walk... I remember him and his friend having sex with me... I also remember my friend walking me to the bathroom and  while i was using the restroom I was forced to give him oral... some friend huh... My boyfriend is currently opening my eyes and making me see that that is wrong... and that these guys weren't my friends even if I knew them for 5+ years. The whole "get blackout drunk and wake up to find someone doing something to me" has happened numerous times... In a way I feel as if that is my fault because I'm not sure I said no, or even yes at the time... I'm still blaming myself for every time a "friend" has gotten me drunk  to the point where i do pass out... I can't even remember those nights other then I got drunk and woke up realizing something had happened. They never get as drunk as they get me... They have about 1 beer to every 4-5 beers they have me drink. I don't drink much anymore. I can't even handle getting a couple beers down anymore before I start getting nervous and sick to my stomach.

I've had flashbacks, and dreams.... but when I wake up I can't ever remember what just happened in those flashbacks or dreams... I've been told by multiple people that occasionally at night while I'm asleep, I'll start fighting in my sleep and cussing... I supposedly say the same things each time... things like "Get the f*ck off of me", "go to hell you peice of s**t", "I hope you die", "don't touch me".... each person who's told me about my nightmares that I don't remember have said the  same exact things... and they didn't talk to each other and I never told them what I'd supposedly say during these nightmares and flashbacks.

I feel a little better actually getting some of this out after keeping it all inside for so long but right now I can't remember much clearly enough just yet... hopefully as time passes I can remember more.  I'm here if anyone needs to vent or if anyone would like to help get better with me... kind of like I'll be here to support you and you'll be here to support me....