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Post Info TOPIC: Thoughts on how you prevent your past from bogging you down?
rndyh77


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Thoughts on how you prevent your past from bogging you down?
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I am new to this forum and have a question if anyone happens to read it. Hopefully I can make sense out of this.

I don't like to dwell on the past, but I find certain events will get me bogged down and prevent me from living my life in the present. I live in Denver and there was a recent story here about a boy named Chandler Grafner that has gotten me really depressed. If you aren't familiar with the situation, this 7 year old was abused and starved to death by foster parents. The things that I've endured obviously didn't end in my death, but hearing about his story has just brought back bad memories. I thought that if I confronted the story and read all of the details, even read my scriptures and prayed, that somehow I might find some answers and feel better, but I still can't seem to move on.

I even went to Chandler Grafner's grave thinking that might help give me closure. When I got there the sprinklers were going off and there was this caretaker driving around so I couldn't even have time alone to think about his little life and the fact that I have mine.

The person who was abusive to me calls me and cries. Sends me letters apologizing. I think them seeing me today makes them realize the impact what they did has had on my life. I know I should be grateful for this and they seem to truly be remorseful, and that almost helps, but then they will revert to their same old mental games even though they can't harm me physically, it just seems to go on and on.

In the past I've tried to just bury myself in my job and find distractions. I've never felt like I deserved a relationship even though I know I shouldn't let myself feel that way.

I'm not crazy about the idea of seeking professional help. I've thought about starting by talking to my sister, but it would be so painful and I just don't want to create a situation I'll regret.

I guess my question would be how did any of you start down a path that you honestly felt was helpful? What was it, what steps did you take and do you honestly feel like you are better off having done what you've done? Or did it just drag up old memories and you wish you would have never gone there?

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jd26


Survivor

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Hi,

First I want to start by saying that you have touched upon some really good issues in your post. Many of us have gone through the memory relapses that you are speaking of. Every now and then I will come across a news story where a child was abused. The circumstances behind that abuse would sometimes duplicate my story. For example, about a year ago a 12-year old North Carolina girl was removed from her home due to the tortuous life she was living. Her family imprisoned her in her own room, stripped her room of any furniture, chained her to her bed, and had security cameras on her 24x7. When I read this story and began exploring the details, I became really depressed. But then I became angry as well

To fully answer your question, I would like to give you a bit more background about me. You are welcome to read my post on the other page. After I left my abusive home I spent over 2 years being a very angry individual. My anger and hurt was so strong that it interfered with my professional and personal life. I mistrusted people; I felt I was a failure, and most of all I wanted to simply erase all of the bad things that happened to me.

While I was in the military I did seek professional help. The problem was that these doctors were more concerned about whether or not you would hurt yourself or someone else. This was not the case with me so they gave me passive treatment and sent me on my way. I always felt inadequate, my self-esteem was null. So I began to find things in life that would give me the boosts that I need. I put my negative energy into something good. I began by enrolling in classes and trying to further my education. Each class that I past would give me that extra boost of self confidence. I also tried to stay very busy. Working full-time, going to school etc. Till this day, I am still in school, simply because I am working towards an end goal and trying to get across the finish line. With people, I slowly began to learn how to love and trust. Being in a meaningful relationship requires that you see yourself not as a victim but as a survivor. But it also requires a loving and understanding spouse whom can help you work through the problems.

There is no magic formula. The process bears a lifetime of challenges. Till this day, I also think about the past and try to understand my feelings. It is not easy, but I try to think about all the good things that are in my life now. I try to realize that I can never erase the bad things that happened to me but I can tell other people my story and be an inspiration to them. This is my healing process. At 27, I know I have a lifetime of healing left to go, but if I can be an inspiration to others then I know I will do just fine.  

Please feel free to email me at c114fa@yahoo.com or respond to me on this blog.



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Jules


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Hi both, I'll tell you briefly what got me moving and how it's helped, but I would start by saying it's rarely any one thing, more a combination of things that make you feel good about yourself.

However, with therapy, which has helped me tremendously, it's like setting a bone, you may have to break it but when it resets it will be stronger than before. The reason you get flashbacks is because trauma needs to be processed in the brain in order to be stored. This means facing the pain, understanding it, naming it and placing it in a different context than before. Talking to a therapist, or a caring, empathic person who won't judge you, helps this processing.

Hiding from the pain or not talking becuase it is too painful can often seem like the easy way out, but you will always carry that burden in your heart, you will stay a victim. I know it's different for everyone, but for someone who found the courage to face the pain, am in fact still facing it, I can say that it will never hurt as much as the pain you feel as an abused child, and best of all: it DIMINISHES over time. By this I don't mean it will go away over time if you ignore it, I mean that by working through it over time it will diminish.

So that has been the light at the end of the tunnel for me, not that I'm there, but steps closer than before: the burden lightens, the pain eases up, you feel more and more of the freedom you were always entitled to in the first place.

Be your own hero!

J

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jd26


Survivor

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Posts: 5
Date:
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Thank you for your post.. I agree wholeheartedly with you that therapy will help diminish the pain and help you cope with it as you move forward in life..

John



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