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leckie


Survivor

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Posts: 15
Date:
He thinks he's won
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my stepfather seems to think that he has ruined my life but he is mistaken his sexual abuse towards me turned me into a loner and afraid to talk to anyone as he told me if i told he would kill me and anyway no one would believe me. so i just grew up on my own from the age of 10 not caring or feeling for anyone and if i felt i got to close to someone i would do something to make them go away i eventually started lying about having bad health just to keep people away from me and not to get to attached to me or me to them then i met a woman whom i fell in love with i tried to stop feeling like this for her but couldnt and i couldnt stop the lying as it had become so real to me but i wanted to just didnt know how jill was the only one i ever let know what had happened to me when i was younger i let her know though dreaming and talking in my sleep as i could not face telling her i felt it was all my fault what he did jill tried to get me help but i was not ready to accept it from anyone or to face the abuse again it toolk about 5 years for me to admit i needed help i went though about four years of depression which kept getting worse by the day till the day we split up as she could not take anymore of the way i was loosing jill and the girls must have given me the jolt that i needed to ask for help which i did i ended up in a phsyciatric hospital for a weak and it did me a lot of good they made me face the past and bring me back into reality jill and i are still friends but best of all now she knows about all the lies i told and the abuse that i went through and i am still here to put my life back together as i have survived my only regret is that my stepfather is not alive to answer to me and tell me why he did it instead of just loving me as he should have

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i have survived
amanda


Survivor

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Posts: 17
Date:
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Hi leckie


Your post is so positive I am sorry about the outcome with Jill but glad that you remain friends.  I also ended up in a psychiatric hospital on several occasions because the depression consumed me but my on my last admission I started work with a new psychiatrist and therapist and it was the best step I ever made.  I still have a fear of talking with people but use a journal which I have recently started to share with my therapist.  It is the lies and the secrets that you have to hold that eats you up.


Take good care


Amanda



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leckie


Survivor

Status: Offline
Posts: 15
Date:
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hi amanda glad you got a therapist that you feel comfotable with i used to keep a jurnal as well but a few months ago i actually read it and burst into tears i could not believe that i had actually ritten what was in it, it made me think why can one selfish person make me feel like that i could not believe that anyone could feel that bad and want to die so much, as i tried 6 times it was only the thought of jill that stoped me , i tore the diary up and started a new one a week or so ago i still have the bad one on my computer so jill can read it one day but since the new one i cant believe the differance in it it makes me look almost normal, when before i used to think i was a freek and just pure evil a lier and couldn't show kids or most adults any kind of emotion especially physical contact and that was so hard when my kids got to about 12 i stoped cuddling them as i thought i might be like my stepfather and with jills girls it was even worse i wanted to get close to them but couldnt as much as i tried to here is my email address if you feel like using it johnchefy@hotmail.com take care john

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i have survived
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