Hi all.. i have just joined. im 29, have a gorgeous 13mth old daughter and have recently got married. i have only managed to tell 2 people in my life that i was sexually abused for yrs as a child. i cant face talkin about it in person with anyone. just to scared, ashamed and just physically cant seem to mouth the words. just dont have the strength to do it. just before christmas last yr managed to tell someone what happened to me as a child. i was completly in tears doin it and was shakin but i managed to tell someone. the catch is it was over msn chat cos i cant bear to talk about it. but by doin this, i managed to have the courage to tell my husband, altho again this was by text durin an arguement whilst i locked myself in the bedroom!! (lol) i no i shldnt laugh, but its either laugh or cry reali. thats as far as ive gone. he wants me to see a counsellor and talk about it. but its not that simple. i told him before christmas and he tried talkin to me bout it a few times since but i just shrug it off. hes got frustrated with it and he hasnt mentioned it in awhile now so i think hes pushed it to the back of his mind now. i cant remeber hardly nethin of my childhood. not even normal memories let alone the child abuse. i have flashbacks of things happenin, but i just completly question myself all the time. dont no if it makes sense or not, but i question whether it ever reali happened and whether im just makin it up in my head or not. i think thats half the reason why im scared of sayin smthin. its got to have happened otherwise why would i be re-livin this and why would the flashbacks seem so real. i no if i spoke out, it would completly tear my family apart. i would probably lose most of my family and i just havent got the strength to go thru that. it was never my fault so why should i be the one to lose again. altho i worry alot about this happenin to my gorgeous innocent daughter. ive bin diagnosed with depression numerous times and given anti-depressants, but am to scared to take the pills. i believe the pills would eventually help me, but they are so strong to start off with and made me ill the 1st day i started takin them. at the mo i just feel stuck. at a comlpete loss at wot to do for the best for me, my daughter, my marriage, my life, everythin. i just feel that im pushin it away all the time and it will normally stay away for a couple of mths, and then come back again. it shouldnt be fair of me to live like this. just dont think i can deal with it comin out. just dont think i can take the pain emotionally and mentally, that it will have on myself or my family. completly lost and im limbo big time.
I think it may help to keep a private journal where you can speak freely, and it would be great to find a therapist or counselor someone who will listen without judging you.
For me, I have just decided to go into counseling after many years. And, yes, the shame is immense. The guilt is immense too because I had to leave my brothers behind due to their ages, and I do think one of them, the youngest was raped by someone not the same person. I was abused by relative, my mom's brother.
I have depression, PTSD, but I am fighting for my life.
Please look around the site tonight is my first visit but already I've seen two books I must have. And there are some articles which gave me immediate clarity.
Continue to be courageous, love u so you will have more of you to offer your daugher.
Hi there i read your post and felt a shiver up my back. I have a handsome little boy who is nearly 5. I started suffering from flashbacks and became over protective of my little boy not long after he was born. It gradually got worst until 2008 when i went to the police and made a statement of what mt child hood was like and that i was sexually abused by my uncle. It has taken alot out of me mentally and physically. I had to stop working as i started suffering sever nightmares and finally didn't want to sleep at all. My abuser was sentenced on 22nd June 2010, It has been a tough 2 and a half years. I am going to thrapy and have been trying to re-build my life and confidence. I also tried hypnosis which worked very well for me. I'm not saying that you should do what i have done but think about your future as it only eats away at you. I have a fantastic man who i have been with for nearly 10 years, without him and my son in my life i probably would never have done what i did.
I wanted to look forward to certain things in my life and now i feel as though i can, my son will be starting school next month. i am starting back work and hopefully with the right type of help i can start to move on.
I hope you do what is right for you i also found my doctor very helpful to talk to and he assured me that i was not alone.
I have just found this site and feel more open about what i went through.
