Abuse... from my older brother.. who not only molested me physically but emotionally. Stole my heart... Isn't it funny how much we can love our family and not even know it till we get older. A selfish Mother who is ate up with jealousy. Another brother who hated me with is whole heart.. (he was very strong.) Personality disorder from escaping reality into another life. Grew up on a farm isolated. Older sister ... who is jealous... can't figure that one out. When through 5 marriages.. 1st one mom con****ed...forced to marry an older man very young... (you guessed it a child molester) 2nd... a sick marine that tried to kill himself and was abuuuuuusive......... 3rd.. another crazy guy that loved sex.. oh boy... with anyone and everyone.. stayed stoned.. hated to work.. and thought I was his meal ticket since I was a work aholic most of my life. 4th.. Cowboy who never rode a horse or handled a cow... played guitar.. in a band with no talent except for drinkin and getting drunk and getting angry. This one loved sex too... only rough. 5th... a religous pious jerk. who hid behind the skirt of his faith.. Clean on the outside filthy on the inside. Liked his young grandaughter way too much. Slept with her regular. Had custody of her because his daughter is way to screwed up to take care of anything... why? because her dad slept with her... Now number 6, finally... someone who loves me respects me and cares for me. No its not perfect.. but I am trying to heal.. and he had great boundaries.. and I am learning that from him. I am healing.. getting better. I can even remember my whole life for the most part. Today I am dealing with flashbacks.. memories uncovered. Its funny.. I thought by trying so hard.. there would be one day.. that I tell my story and somebody would say... poor thing.. that was wrong.. but .... what has happened.. is the laughter in peoples eyes at the amount of times I've been married.. and the disqust when I do not funtion properly.. Nobody cares what happened to anyone as long as they do not have to know it. And bottom line.. the abusers.. most people like them.. They are not unhappy as we are.. They are not broken... and even now my husband.. who is all I have in the world will say.. he doesn't seem so bad.. I think you just blow it up. That is painful. The truth is... I am just a disqusting thing that if I don't hide the truth for the sicko then it hides itself.. Because lets face it .. a whore like me isn't credible. right? I know be positive.. This I am sure is a short relapse.. I hope.. I beginning to wonder... I love life so... but live is so hard. any coments anyone has that might help would be truely appreciated.. nene
hey i think thinking positive is the one thing that can get you through anything.also having a loving husband like the one you have finally found. I never realised the strength my partner had until I relapsed and ended up in hospital. you have had a hell of a life and yet you still find time to be there for other people. u seem like an incredible person who shouldnt b stopped by the arseholes out there that try and put you down. the things that happened to you do not make you a whore.you just have to remember that you are not to blame, you did nothing wrong, you have no reason to feel guilt or shame, you were not given a choice about what happened to you. people can be so closed minded about so many things. alot more people have had alot more marriages!!! i hope i may have helped just a bit.you just need to remember that you are not alone. if you ever need to talk? zwee
Zwee, Thank you for your relpy to me. It was very incouraging and helpful. I think it odd that we can see the light for each other but find it difficult to overcome our own obstacles. I now know why this forum is here. Because no one can undertand but ones who have been through it. And when we understand completley for each other we can see our way through for ourselves. I know the scripture in the bible that says it is better to give than recieve is true. You words were kind and soothing and I thank you very very much. Please write me when ever for what ever and I will be here for u no matter what.
thank you again... you are too very exceptional... love nene ca peenie
