Hi, I just logged in to be able to take a look around the site. It's very impressive and well intentioned and I'm sure it's of great help to certain people. Unfortunately for me, I see that all the members seem to be female and I seem to be the only male here. Very odd.
I think that childhood sexual experiences tend to have a different affect on men than women and that it would be more appropriate if any male seeking a pen pal who has also experienced certain things in their childhood had the opportunity to find a pen pal who is also a male...and preferably someone who was a child from the same era.
In my case, that would be the early 1950's, when the social taboos against talking about sex were very strict indeed and ensured that a little boy would never tell on anyone for fear of of getting into serious trouble himself with his parents. If this seems odd to the younger members of this forum, let me say that this was not long after a time when unmarried mothers were put in mental asylums as social degenerates for the "crime" of having a baby out of wedlock. Yes, the past is another country. They do things differently there.
I’m not going to detail what happened to me as a little boy. After all, I wouldn’t want to upset anyone reading this. But I can tell you the unusual long term affects my childhood sexual experiences have had on me.
I am nearly 58 years old. I live alone and have no social life. So you can see things are very difficult for me. I’ve suffered from bad nerves and depression for many years and have been hospitalised in the past for this. I have never had a girlfriend; never been married and never had any children. To go to sleep, I have to be in a bed of my own, in a room of my own and with the door locked. Even then, I cannot get to sleep unless I am lay on my side, in the foetal position, with my head covered by the blankets and my fingers in my ears. Almost as if I am trying to protect myself from someone or something that may not have been there for many, many years, but that my body and my nervous system has by now become so accustomed to doing this, that I cannot get to sleep any other way.
Because of this, it would be pointless for me to be married, for even if I could form a relationship with someone, they would be of the opinion that I couldn’t love them very much, if at all, if I couldn’t trust them enough to be able to sleep with them. Then, the truth would come out if they asked me why I couldn’t sleep with them and the answer would be “because I’d think that when I was asleep and defenceless, you’d harm me or try to kill me.” So you see, it would take a most understanding wife to put up with that…one that probably doesn’t exist.
I spent two years in weekly sessions with the same male psychotherapist, which I found very helpful. He asked me how far back this sleeping ritual described above went and I told him that I could remember back to when I was three to four years old in 1950 / 1951 and I was doing it even that far back. He told me it was something called learned behaviour and that it was originally my child’s way of protecting myself from harm or from something terrible that was happening to me at that time.
As I said earlier, I won’t go into detail, but I do remember what was going on in this respect from the age of four or five onwards. Now, I have read posts from survivors of childhood sexual abuse on this site and these events seem to have affected different people in different ways. Some have been able to find a partner, form a loving adult relationship, get married and have children. So it hasn’t affected them in that department. The ways my early childhood experiences have affected me are obviously very unusual. I have never heard of anyone in a similar position.
I kept quiet about all this until 1999, when I was 52 years old. I’d kept it all a secret for nearly half a century and a lot was bottled up inside me. It was then that I went to see my doctor because I was having nightmares about the very distant past and he arranged for me to see the therapist. I decided that if I was going to go through with these sessions, then I was going to be honest with him and tell him things that I would never have told my parents about. So I told him.
To my surprise, he didn’t condemn me for what happened; didn’t make fun of me or tell me it was all my fault. That was a help.
Well, I’ve told you all I’m prepared to and, reading this back to myself before I post it, I don’t think I’ve done too badly. It’s a damn shame how things have turned out, though. It’s kind of ruined me in a way, I think. I get somewhat jealous when I see couples with their young children when I’m out. I would have loved to had had a normal life and been able to pick up and cuddle my little son and hear him say “I love you, daddy.” But I know that can never be. It’s too late now…in fact, it’s always been too late.
Firstly, let me say how brave you were to share your post with us here at Havoca. You are right to say that abuse affects each and everyone of us differently and yours is a story which has touched my heart.
To have been treated in a way that has left you feeling the way you do ~ still so very scared and alone ~ must have been truly horrific and I, for one, condemn whoever treated you so very badly to rot in hell. I make no apologies for that statement . I am not a religious person and forgiveness is something i struggle with. You did not deserve to be treated like that ~ none of us deserved our abuse~ WE DID NOTHING WRONG we were just children.
You have taken a very brave first step by posting your story and I am honoured to be able to read it.
Please take gentle care of you because you are a remarkable and unique person.
elaine
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"And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." by Anais Nin
Thank you for your kind comments, Elaine. My therapist told me that the reason I can only sleep on my own is because the first time anyone else was in bed with me was a very frightening experience for me and, although all this happened many years ago, any trust I may have in people is purely superficial and that my nervous system is telling me that they would harm me if they had the chance.
